Past Musings….!

So today got me up like ‘I think I need to sorta shake off the wrinkles off my face ‘…I mean,its one of those mornings I  wake up and just stare through my window pane …From a distance I can see the fading musings of a sad young girl…walk to and fro the face of the streets and as I beckon all these thoughts,I see her walk in to different phases of her life….

I get to watch the story of a great woman come to life..and for a minute I smile when I hear her say her first words ‘mama’ …how beautiful !

Faintly,a thought crosses my mind…and I’m intrigued by the zeal for such a young one to live…I mean,from the way she runs about,the joy spelt out on her face and for a minute I’m drugged up in a nostalgic trance of my childhood..but as I recall all the events,they’re all swarmed up with this little one…And I whisper to myself ‘baby,I find myself in you”

So now,I readjust my standing posture and take a step just right next to the fireplace… And I sit on the grand piano – reminds me off all the tunes I’ve danced to life.. The slow dances…the cinematic orchestras…but all my life,I’ve been a bad dancer… I could tell you of a choreography I saw,but please don’t call me to the dance floor…

Back to the little angel beckoning my eyes…And slowly but sure,she makes the first faltering steps in to life…a kind of warzone where the strong survive …and since we were expelled from paradise we’ve either been suffering ,watching others suffer,causing their suffering or simply suffering along with them…

So now,our little one is growing so fast..and for a moment I feel like a guardian angel – been here all this time peeping into the musings and unfoldings of her expeditions…

Walking up and about streets and down lanes… And for a moment I wonder ‘what was my childhood like ‘??I wish there’s something good to remember ..just when I’m asserting reason to myself,I see her run into this dark lane and I’m shattered by the tangible horror of this lane…dark lanes are dark memories…😢😢I wave my hand in attempt to call her back to senses…but she’s so young and happy – and naive…I catch a tear that falls,I’m only an onlooker …diving into the past with no time machine – blindened by the vivid memories…I mean,Im partly blind..I cannot lead her out of that street even if I wanted  to…

Will I see her again ?happy and alive as I had been able to??? I’m caught in between the sobs by a loud wail …and out of nowhere light flashes through this darkness…she’s right there!! In every way possible I had dreaded to see her…Lying on the ground,legs sprawled across – its horrible..!! I cannot conceive of the hideous act done to her..She’s only 4!!!!Clothes stained with blood,betrayal,anger…pain!!!!

So I bow down my face into the sad notes of my grand piano…I wish I could play a happy tune to erase this ordeal from her young mind..I wish could tell her that it will be okay…I wish I could just hug her tight so that she can feel loved…..I wish for so many things…!!!!But not to see her drenched in this hostility….!!

Its true,they say time heals…but the scars remain to remind us that the past is real though we survived..

More than anything,I want to just sit here by the fireplace ….and cast every past reminder into the wild fiery flames…but on ,as this young one grows,I promise to be here because I swore to her life that I’d never watch her go down any other such street…instead, I’ll buy a time machine and be her super-woman…always at her rescue…And when I’m not there, I’ll make sure  she’s waiting for superman – to lift her up and take her off the ground…or at times send down angels – she’ll talk to them ,count stars…probably make wishes on passing cars…..!!

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