I look out through this window pane.. And for a minute, allow me to share my pain..
Allow me to share my mistakes.. The silly choices we make..
I can’t help but retrospect.. Dear past, oh maybe I should remind you my name… Wait, lemme reintroduce myself to you.. I’m sure you’re surprised that the scars you left all over me ain’t there no more right?? Haha, I guessed right. But that’s not even it, I’m not here to swing my waist at you and brag about this me you see standing in front of you, face concealed in loreal mismatch foundation, that ombre lipstick and my Chris Adam’s scent… Lol, I know you must be thinking –she never used to do designer perfumes!! Haha… Yes, and that’s why I said, lemme reintroduce myself…
For a minute, no! Wait! Lemme rephrase that… All my life I let you define me with all the mistakes I made.. And I let myself sink into depression for things I wasn’t even to blame for.
She was atleast someone I knew, but I would never have let her swing and drown into her bottles and the last time she did that, she sunk! And you know the saddest part?? A life so young and precious gone, just like that… And sometimes I wished It could have been me… Because I know what it feels like not to have someone, anyone understand what you’re going through… I know what it feels like to pour out your heart and the much they do is tell you to stop taking life so seriously.. It should have been me because I fit in her shoes much more than anyone could have… But maybe I’m stronger!
Stronger –I dunno if i should brag about that or atleast applaud myself, because it would add to those few claps I got everytime I made a mess out of myself, And could’ve been better labelled a drama queen while deep inside I knew I was the drama… With so many characters and episodes yet, I was the main character and the climax of it all –finale!!
Dear past, You have no idea how many times I took the blame for his mistakes.. And thought I was never good enough.. That maybe he chose her because of her long hair, short dresses and perfect Australian strine… You have no idea how many times I saved up just to get the cheapest sleek makeup, to look good for you…Spent hours on YouTube channels – how to be a better girlfriend, 5 ways to make him love you… So much for never being loved right!!! And I believed it when he said it was my fault that we couldn’t work… You have no idea what it was like, looking for love in all the wrong places, just someone -anyone who said I’m beautiful, I love you… Just that!!
Dear past, I grew up feeling like I was the worst daughter because daddy never said for once that he loved me. And getting home excited because I made an improvement on my last grade would be countered by who topped the class? What did they get?? How could you get this wrong??… How was that my fault?? Atleast I tried.. Maybe if only he knew that his approval is the only thing that would make me never allow myself to get reduced to feeling ugly and wanting to know I’m beautiful.. He’d have given me that… But everytime he raised a whip to hit me, I could never see any good in me… However right he was!
Dear past, if I had a chance to sue you… I would have done that long ago… But now that I’m grown, now that I don’t depend on you anymore.. I could only look back and say thank you! Thank you for all the times you broke me.. I am made whole now because of that… For all the times I felt like I should have overdosed on pills and cut my wrists open and that I didn’t deserve to live, i want you to know that its because of that, that I want to feel the sun shine on my face every morning.. For all the times I looked for approval from people, I want to say thank you, because of that, I’m able to look at myself now and feel like I have all it takes…
We’ve all made mistakes at some point in life,, but we don’t always have to suffer for them… Every mistake is not a mistake, its a lesson learned…
This is to everyone who’s lost a friend, a loved one.. Anyone… And you feel like you were to blame ;
I’m sorry that no words can erase that pain… But I pray that you heal, that you forgive yourself… That you live up to be the person they’d have wanted to see you become… Sometimes we’re not always to blame though we put that weight on our shoulders and carry the grief home everyday… Accept that you can’t change whatever happened and make peace with yourself…
This is to you who feels like you grew up without a childhood ;
I’m sorry that you were denied the greatest gift of your childhood.. I’m sorry to every girl out here who grew up feeling less deserving because you were never daddy’s little princess.. I’m sorry he never for a second said that he loved you… But for now, forgive him.. That’s the only way to heal.. For we have a father in God who is a father to the fatherless and he loves you as though you were the only one on earth..
Son, forgive your mother too… She may have never been the best.. But atleast she was strong enough to bring you to this world… She may never say it often, but she loves you…
Yes…to you who feels like you don’t deserve to live ;
I know what it feels like not to have anyone give you a shoulder.. Or atleast understand you… I want you to know that someone out here cares for you, for there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother and He is willing to listen to you and you deserve life again like any other person… There is nothing wrong with you, you’re perfect! You’re amazing and let nothing hold you down or convince you otherwise…..
So dear past… Thank you for the scars, they only remain to show me that you’re real… But I survived….