So here’s the person who’d wanna journal her year and tell you it’s been a walk over.. But no… Of all the times I’ve lived, I haven’t felt more alive than now.. It’s like once your eyes are open to the truth, you receive a kind of awakening..
I’ve had many good times before, memories and all… Buuuut, the best moments of my life were marked when I met this guy.. Whoa wait!.. You must be thinking I found my prince charming right? Well YES!!.. And I think I just admitted it right now.. Haha!!
Things were pretty bad and rough when the year begun… I kept falling in and out of reality, most times I found myself wishing I could just be caught up in that trance or do I call it selective amnesia? … I wont lie,, I’ve done things I wish I didn’t do.. Seen things I wish I didnt see, but anyway, this ain’t what this is all about… I’m sure your curious mind is wondering what I did or better still, you’re rolling your eyes at the thought of “ well, everybody has done at least one thing they wish they didn’t do ”… Yeah, yoh right…!
Well, where do start now?? I’m not sure if I’m the only who gets lost in between my lines.. Haha
Oh!Back to my prince charming… I must have been desperate enough to crawl at the feet of a man just to ask for a second chance… And now you’re wondering,, how cheap can she be?? And he said yes… That’s where our affair begun… Oh! Now you thinking, she’s not only cheap and desperate, but also loose.. Right?? But maybe I should remind you, that when no other person could take me in, he’s the only one who did.. When I was tired and broken, he offered to stitch up those tiny pieces and hold me in his arms..
You’re wondering why I’d cheat on a man that offered to take me in?!
I’ll tell you why…
This guy, I’d want to call him Anon buuuut Maybe I should put it out there.. I found Jesus, I found love, my prince charming… But, there are things I wasn’t ready to let go of… They made me cheat on Him..
I remember I had friends laugh out and say it would only take maybe two weeks at most and find me back drowned in all those drinking rendezvous.. So right now when I look back at what the journey has been like one year down the line, I can’t help but feel tears sting… God has been so faithful..! Oh amazing grace that saved a wretch like me…!
Today I found myself thinking of how many times I’m tempted to judge people who’re still living life so recklessly but then I’m reminded, I’m not perfect..!
Even in our own christian circles, I’ve heard stories of people who still struggle with things ;drinking, pornography, masturbation, smoking… Name it all! And you know the worst part?? They can’t come out and ask for help because they’re afraid of what people will think and say..! And that’s it people, we’re so fast to point fingers and tell people what they shouldn’t be doing..!!
I’ve come across this group called Alcoholics anonymous, (it can be anything -anonymous) … And all these anonymous groups are christian groups that help believers come out and get help.. Its somewhere you basically meet up other people struggling with same things as you are and y’all share experiences and help each other work your bundle out…
So this is my point… You’re not by any chance perfect.. You have no right to point fingers because you feel good enough or because your struggle is different from mine… And I think the church better start acting up and take responsibility for what it is.. I’m sorry this may sound so blatant, but I have no apologies for it… Sadly I feel like the church has so many broken hearts and disguised selves all in the name of “praise God brethren.. “
Sadly, we allow ourselves to be eaten up by the guilt of our own struggles because if you tell your praise and worship leader who apparently is an anointed singer, she’ll kick you right out of the praise and worship team… But what you might never know, is maybe she’s struggling with the same thing as you…
I have nothing against the church honestly, I’m a believer too… But a believer who’s had to struggle with things silently because I was afraid.. Afraid of the stigma, critics and worse, the shame…
But at the same time, I want to thank the few people who understand what it means to be a christian..
Christianity is a journey… Its not gonna be all fun and smooth.. And at the end of the day His strength is made perfect in our weakness…
God has been faithful to me..And so will He be to you.. Throughout all those times I felt filthy and trashy -He still offered His arms and held me together… When I didn’t think I deserved another chance, He told me to arise and shine…..
I should have been in that fire, but now there’s fire inside of me….